Most of us don’t have to think very long or hard to remember the last time our trust was shattered. Maybe it was a board member who devastated your trust and turned his back on your friendship. Maybe it was your teen who made some really bad or dumb choices. Maybe it was a staff member who promised one thing and yet did another. Perhaps it was a mentor who let you down, and like Humpty Dumpty he has fallen off his pedestal and trashed his honor and your trust to pieces.
Trust is at the core of every healthy relationship. When you trust someone, your mind is at peace, and even the thought of that person brings joy to your heart. When it is broken, however, there is a deep and unsettling pain at even the mention of the offender’s name.
Trust provides an environment of confidence in a relationship. It fosters an openness and boldness in a way that causes us to speak the truth in love. But without trust, it’s hard to believe the best about another person, let alone take the risk of being honest and open with them.
When we do trust, our fears and worries are greatly reduced (if not eliminated). When we don’t, we can easily become consumed by an overwhelming need to control and micromanage.
Trust matters.
Perhaps that’s why the Bible talks so much about trust. We are challenged to trust God (Proverbs 3:5), trust our spiritual leaders (Hebrews 13:7, 17), and to trust one another (1 Peter 5:5). God knows the value of trust in all our relationships.
So what happens when trust is broken? Is it possible to rebuild and restore what has been lost?
Yes, but it takes time and lots of hard work.
Several times a year I travel to Portland, Oregon along a route that has some major work being done on a bridge. I’ve been through this work zone a half dozen times over the past couple of years. At times, it seems like nothing has been done. In fact, the progress seems ridiculously slow, but brick by brick and inch by painful inch, the bridge is being built even though it’s a lengthy process.
I’ve got a couple of relationships just like that bridge; one where I broke someone’s trust through an unfulfilled promise, and another where mine was severely broken. The process will take time and a lot of effort, but I know the end result will be worth it all if we just keep moving forward.
To trust again is to believe again in a way that restores faith and hope in the offender. How could that not be worth the time and effort?
All of that being said, like dancing, it takes two committed people ready and willing to move together for something beautiful to happen.
So “as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18). Do your part to restore what was lost, and pray the other person does too. Then watch and see what God can do when his kids dance!
hi there i think the best relationships we have are free,you sound like your stopping yourself from enjoying the endless possibilities a loving relationship can bring,using negative reasons to stay as you are, you need to get out and about join a club,take college courses,this way you will meet all types of interesting people and maybe find love,at the least it will give you the confidence to talk to people,and an enjoyable hobby,i used to be single and so depressed,i would do my shopping at night so i wouldn't have to meet people,ive since got loads of hobby's and met my current partner in one of them,money doesn't buy love,in this day and age most people are broke or struggle with not having enough money to live let alone go on dates,me and my partner look for free things happening in our local community,and attend them,we are both mostly skint,hope this helps.
Feeling a little insecure? Learn how to strengthen your union.
Even the most rock-solid couples feel insecure about their relationships sometimes. As part of our Irresistible You survey, we asked readers to fill in the blank: "I have the most confidence in my relationship when my partner/spouse ___________."
The top two most popular answers were "compliments me/tells me how he or she feels about me" and "really listens to me/gives me his or her full attention."
So, how do you build confidence in your relationship? We asked our experts to weigh in with their best suggestions, and here's what they had to say:
1. Get in the present.
On a daily basis, take time for yourself to clear your mind and set your intention for how you will be in your relationship. Repeat positive affirmations that reinforce the feelings that you want to feel.
—Lisa L. Payne
2. Get real.
Take stock of your relationship as it is and identify the wonderful things that you are already experiencing, as well as concrete examples of things you would like to improve.
Express gratitude for your blessings every day and know that you have the power to respond with love in all other areas and exercise your power to create a life that excites you. —Lisa L. Payne
3. Get over it.
Ask yourself why you have allowed your confidence to falter in this relationship. Is it possible that you sabotage your relationship with negative patterns of behavior driven by a little but loud voice that says you aren't worthy of love?
Acknowledging limiting beliefs is important, but so is learning to let them go. —Lisa L. Payne
4. Get clear.
Clarity breeds confidence, while fear and doubt threaten your self-esteem.
See yourself in the relationship of your dreams and imagine all you want is possible. —Lisa L. Payne
5. Get engaged.
While this may be a side-effect of your newfound confidence, this step is really about engaging yourself in a commitment to create a life that excites you.
Make a declaration because you are worthy of having a loving and fulfilling relationship. Believe that you have the capacity to love and be loved. —Lisa L. Payne
6. Get serious.
Actions speak louder than words, so start making confident choicestha are true to your commitment and your vision.
Your confidence will soar and you will reap the rewards because you are stepping into your power and making your choices count. —Lisa L. Payne
7. Seek support.
Naturally, your biggest supporter in this relationship is your partner, so share your dreams and challenges with him or her.
Communicate the changes you would like to make and express your feelings and your intentions with confidence. —Lisa L. Payne
8. Avoid eye rolls and sighs.
Whenever I see couples responding to each other with eye rolls or sighs I give them a 50 % chance of making it. Why? Because it shows contempt. It is very difficult to respond openly or lovingly to someone who has contempt for you.
So, if open and loving is what you want from your partner, stop rolling your eyes. —Ashley Seeger
9. Express gratitude.
Before complaining to your partner about something, thank him for something he did for you today. By expressing gratitude, you alter your biochemistry.
One big benefit is that your posture, tone of voice and facial expression also change toward your partner. —Ashley Seeger
10. Touch each other.
Sex and sensuality are two different things and all relationships require them both. Contrary to popular belief, sensual touching does not have to lead to sex.
Prove it to yourself: Plan a playful and sensual date night with your spouse that does not include sex. —Ashley Seeger
11. Exercise often.
This will not only make you feel better about yourself physically, but it will also improve your mood and help boost sex hormones.
Resistance training has shown to increase sex hormones while tightening those trouble spots. —Dr. Kevin Dobrzynski
12. Eat well.
Eating better food will clear your mind and boost your energy. When people go off diets or eat poorly, they often get down on themselves. This mental baggage can carry over into daily activities and relationships.
So, add fruit and veggies into your daily routine and skip processed foods. —Dr. Kevin Dobrzyns
Trust is at the core of every healthy relationship. When you trust someone, your mind is at peace, and even the thought of that person brings joy to your heart. When it is broken, however, there is a deep and unsettling pain at even the mention of the offender’s name.
Trust provides an environment of confidence in a relationship. It fosters an openness and boldness in a way that causes us to speak the truth in love. But without trust, it’s hard to believe the best about another person, let alone take the risk of being honest and open with them.
When we do trust, our fears and worries are greatly reduced (if not eliminated). When we don’t, we can easily become consumed by an overwhelming need to control and micromanage.
Trust matters.
Perhaps that’s why the Bible talks so much about trust. We are challenged to trust God (Proverbs 3:5), trust our spiritual leaders (Hebrews 13:7, 17), and to trust one another (1 Peter 5:5). God knows the value of trust in all our relationships.
So what happens when trust is broken? Is it possible to rebuild and restore what has been lost?
Yes, but it takes time and lots of hard work.
- The first step toward healing is complete and utter transparency. The offender must own his or her sin without any “yeah-buts.” It’s not okay to say, “I’m sorry I hurt you and let you down, but . . . ” It’s never okay to rationalize or justify sin. Ever. The only way to rebuild trust is to take full responsibility for our actions. Period. It’s also critical for the offended person to do some self-assessment as well. Broken trust is rarely 100% the other person’s fault.
- The next step involves a willingness to accept the consequences. The offender can and should be forgiven, but mercy and grace do not always eliminate “reaping what is sown.” Humility is demonstrated by being willing to suffer (if need be) without any angry or bitter resistance. When we are willing to accept the consequences for our actions, it builds trust because it demonstrates humbleness.
- The final step is the hardest one because it’s not something we humans tend to be good at: waiting. We must embrace a process that involves lots of time and many baby steps along the way. It requires not just one or two, but many open and probably painful conversations. The rebuilding of trust is a process and sometimes a slow one.
Several times a year I travel to Portland, Oregon along a route that has some major work being done on a bridge. I’ve been through this work zone a half dozen times over the past couple of years. At times, it seems like nothing has been done. In fact, the progress seems ridiculously slow, but brick by brick and inch by painful inch, the bridge is being built even though it’s a lengthy process.
I’ve got a couple of relationships just like that bridge; one where I broke someone’s trust through an unfulfilled promise, and another where mine was severely broken. The process will take time and a lot of effort, but I know the end result will be worth it all if we just keep moving forward.
To trust again is to believe again in a way that restores faith and hope in the offender. How could that not be worth the time and effort?
All of that being said, like dancing, it takes two committed people ready and willing to move together for something beautiful to happen.
So “as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18). Do your part to restore what was lost, and pray the other person does too. Then watch and see what God can do when his kids dance!
hi there i think the best relationships we have are free,you sound like your stopping yourself from enjoying the endless possibilities a loving relationship can bring,using negative reasons to stay as you are, you need to get out and about join a club,take college courses,this way you will meet all types of interesting people and maybe find love,at the least it will give you the confidence to talk to people,and an enjoyable hobby,i used to be single and so depressed,i would do my shopping at night so i wouldn't have to meet people,ive since got loads of hobby's and met my current partner in one of them,money doesn't buy love,in this day and age most people are broke or struggle with not having enough money to live let alone go on dates,me and my partner look for free things happening in our local community,and attend them,we are both mostly skint,hope this helps.
Feeling a little insecure? Learn how to strengthen your union.
Even the most rock-solid couples feel insecure about their relationships sometimes. As part of our Irresistible You survey, we asked readers to fill in the blank: "I have the most confidence in my relationship when my partner/spouse ___________."
The top two most popular answers were "compliments me/tells me how he or she feels about me" and "really listens to me/gives me his or her full attention."
So, how do you build confidence in your relationship? We asked our experts to weigh in with their best suggestions, and here's what they had to say:
1. Get in the present.
On a daily basis, take time for yourself to clear your mind and set your intention for how you will be in your relationship. Repeat positive affirmations that reinforce the feelings that you want to feel.
—Lisa L. Payne
2. Get real.
Take stock of your relationship as it is and identify the wonderful things that you are already experiencing, as well as concrete examples of things you would like to improve.
Express gratitude for your blessings every day and know that you have the power to respond with love in all other areas and exercise your power to create a life that excites you. —Lisa L. Payne
3. Get over it.
Ask yourself why you have allowed your confidence to falter in this relationship. Is it possible that you sabotage your relationship with negative patterns of behavior driven by a little but loud voice that says you aren't worthy of love?
Acknowledging limiting beliefs is important, but so is learning to let them go. —Lisa L. Payne
4. Get clear.
Clarity breeds confidence, while fear and doubt threaten your self-esteem.
See yourself in the relationship of your dreams and imagine all you want is possible. —Lisa L. Payne
5. Get engaged.
While this may be a side-effect of your newfound confidence, this step is really about engaging yourself in a commitment to create a life that excites you.
Make a declaration because you are worthy of having a loving and fulfilling relationship. Believe that you have the capacity to love and be loved. —Lisa L. Payne
6. Get serious.
Actions speak louder than words, so start making confident choicestha are true to your commitment and your vision.
Your confidence will soar and you will reap the rewards because you are stepping into your power and making your choices count. —Lisa L. Payne
7. Seek support.
Naturally, your biggest supporter in this relationship is your partner, so share your dreams and challenges with him or her.
Communicate the changes you would like to make and express your feelings and your intentions with confidence. —Lisa L. Payne
8. Avoid eye rolls and sighs.
Whenever I see couples responding to each other with eye rolls or sighs I give them a 50 % chance of making it. Why? Because it shows contempt. It is very difficult to respond openly or lovingly to someone who has contempt for you.
So, if open and loving is what you want from your partner, stop rolling your eyes. —Ashley Seeger
9. Express gratitude.
Before complaining to your partner about something, thank him for something he did for you today. By expressing gratitude, you alter your biochemistry.
One big benefit is that your posture, tone of voice and facial expression also change toward your partner. —Ashley Seeger
10. Touch each other.
Sex and sensuality are two different things and all relationships require them both. Contrary to popular belief, sensual touching does not have to lead to sex.
Prove it to yourself: Plan a playful and sensual date night with your spouse that does not include sex. —Ashley Seeger
11. Exercise often.
This will not only make you feel better about yourself physically, but it will also improve your mood and help boost sex hormones.
Resistance training has shown to increase sex hormones while tightening those trouble spots. —Dr. Kevin Dobrzynski
12. Eat well.
Eating better food will clear your mind and boost your energy. When people go off diets or eat poorly, they often get down on themselves. This mental baggage can carry over into daily activities and relationships.
So, add fruit and veggies into your daily routine and skip processed foods. —Dr. Kevin Dobrzyns
No comments:
Post a Comment